I've never had to experience the lose of someone close. yes, I've lost people and I was sad. But they were family members or schoolmates I didn't really know. At the moment, nothing hurts so much as losing a close close relative. I lost my Nana, my best friend, on April 12th. Looking at the current date and time, Sept. 11, 2010 3:50am...It's been just shy of 5 months since she's been gone. I count the days. I spend night after night thinking about it which results in stressed induced insomnia. There are days where I spend hours upon hours just looking through photos of her growing up or pictures of her with us, her last Christmas, random days in 09 and 10. While I do my best to remember the happy times and good memories I still feel that knot in my throat and before I know it I can't stop crying.
I don't really know how to deal. Most of the time I keep it to myself. I cry alone; usually at night when I should be sleeping. I know I will be ok eventually and that I'll miss her but I will be able to handle it better but right now I feel like someone punched a hole in my heart and tossed it in the ocean. Did I mention I am afraid of the ocean cause I cant swim. A piece of me is gone forever. How do I deal with that.
Despite it being 5 months, it's still surreal. I remember the night that the realization this was happening here and now was like running into a brick wall. She slept and slept and wouldnt wake up but she was still there. We sat together on the bed that night, all of us and snuggled and stayed as clsoe to her as we could, some of us hugging her arm, some of us holding her hand, rubbing her head gently and whispering to her, keeping our hand on her leg. Just so we could be with her as much as possible. If I remember correctly. She woke up once, but I think then she knew too. Knew what was happening. Night went on and morning came and there was more sleeping. But the symptoms (is that even the right word) of death were showing, skin discoloration, swelling, etc. she was a whole different person laying there in that bad sleeping. I would walk in and out, to check on her (my mom and Aunts were in there with her).
They needed a break eventually. I sat down with her, I think it was around 5pm. Held her hand and just talked to her while they got tea and took a small break. When they came back I continued to hold her hand while they sat across the bed and we all talked. We talked about good times, and a couple times we had a scare thinking she had stopped breathing, only for her to keep breathing and we exhaled in relief. But while we jsut laughed and talked with eachother it happened. One minute she was here and the next, my aunt and mom noticed at the same time that she wasnt moving anymore. "did she stop breathing?" the paniced look in their eyes scaring me even more. I looked over and watched and watched and held my breathe parying for her to breathe again. I pleaded with her out loud "come on nana please take a breathe, it's easy come on!". She never did. From there everything happened so fast. She was eventually taken away and cremated. Her wake, her funeral, the mourning, the sorting of her stuff while at the same time not wanting to look at it. It all happened so fast.
Yet here I am 5 months later still struggling. I can't struggle forever. She wouldn't want that. She always told me "Live your life and enjoy it, but be safe." I did and will continue to do so. I love you Nana Banana from Alabama.
What prompted this blog post?
This Picture I found while looking for a picture of Kayla for the post about her engagement. I don't think Alicia has ever seen this picture before and I hope she sees the blog to see it.
It's just so adorable. I cant get over it. Even I forgot I owned this picture!
I dug through my countless photos of her and other people and things and it really needs cleaned and organized, anways, I found these other two photos of her I thought I would share. I think one has been shared on my FB while the other only my immediate family has seen because nana didn't want me to post them on FB. These are too touching to not share.
How can you NOT smile at this photo! Look at that grin! I hope she was truly happy in this photo :) This was around the beginning of December when we were setting up the tree. Her last Christmas and she got to put the star on :) Memorable!
One last one that I wish I had the letter for. Alicia, my youngest sister, wrote a letter to Nana. I proofread and made a photo collage of the family on it and her. She framed and wrapped it and when Nana opened it on Christmas morning and read it, there were tears. I don't think any present could have been better for her. Below is a collage of her opening it.
I don't I can type anymore. It's taken me about an hour and a half to write this in between bawling and wiping my eyes.
Until Next Post.
<3 Jenna, who loves her Nana Banana from Alabama